I'm tired of being told to censor myself, or that I'm just having a moment.
I've boiled my life down to this: Human beings are fucking disgusting. The fetishes, accusations and gross attachments. Everything about myself and others disgusts me on some level. The ones that don't outright disgust me are because they are basically me in personality but not in practice.
Today I was accused of sexually harassing a 15 year old for the sake of this person getting an some sort of "upper hand" in whatever demented reality she's placed herself into. This person was someone I dated. I admit: Bad move on my part. I have no experience or care for relationships. But her full-steam-ahead approach to surpass my hesitance gave me hope she wasn't going to be clingy, insane, and utter horrid.
I was wrong.
I have never been so grossly mislead by a smile and wink. By the falseness that falls behind an "I love you". She was clingy. She was two faced. She told me things, only to redact them now to cover her ass. In an effort to make me seem worse than her, the person she is now dating, and their horrid little sister, she accused me of, basically, pedophilia.
If people's lives were paper, I would have lit them up and watched them burn so very long ago. But no. I have to deal with this girl who, in no shorter term of the words about to be said, is an insane, immoral, irrational cunt.
It feels nice to put myself out here. Hoping no one reads but having a place to put myself because I cannot contain it any longer. Hell. If she finds this I'm probably going to shove it harder in her face how much I hate her. I'm allowed to hate people. I'm not required to be nice to anyone for any reason.
She is disgusting, a worm in chiffon, surrounding herself with snakes and hagfish. And, for a 15 year old, I have never been so flabbergasted by disgusting nature of said 15 year old. Granted, she's met a lot of people, people who don't remember her, people who might, but she has not dealt with any of them.
She was offended that I pointed out that she doesn't know how the world works. And she doesn't. For a child, she has seen nothing but a spoiled world given to her by school and parents, nothing more or less. And now to be blinded by "love", that vague pathetic little thing that people feel only to manipulate or have their way. I feel bad for her. I feel bad she is, as well, a cunt.
People question; "Why are you so enclosed? Why so defensive? Why don't you open up?" Because. I'm surrounded by twofaced liars, cunts and people who all want something from me. And I'm scared of every single one of them. The only ones I don't fear are the ones I'm friends with-- because they are me. They are predictable to me in personality. I know how to make them smile-- or cry. I know how to make them angry, happy, sad, or depressed. In a sick little way, and I hope whoever finds this understands, I have some minor control in the friendship/situation.
It's not like "MWEHEHEHE I HAVE ALL THE CARDS I AM THE WINNING PLAYER" it's more like "I'm so terrified you're a liar, you're trying to use me for something, or you're using me as a target for your anger, that I will control things or we won't get to know each other".
I'm fucking horrified by people. I honestly want a hole in the wall, one that I can sleep in and wake up and go to a job of emptiness, return to, and sleep. Without meeting a single person. Without the paranoia that whoever says hi just wants something from me.
It's the truth.
